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Review: She Deserves Better by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenback, and Joanna Sawatsky

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She Deserves Better by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky cover shows a silhouette of a girl's face, her chin lifted

She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up
Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenback, and Joanna Sawatsky
Baker
Published April 18, 2023

Amazon | Bookshop | Goodreads

About She Deserves Better

You want your daughter to thrive–to be strong, confident, and equipped to step into the life God has for her.

But what if the church is setting your daughter up to be small?

Armed with data from an all-new survey of over 7,000 women, the authors of THE GREAT SEX RESCUE reveal how experiences in church as teens affect women’s self-esteem and relationships today. They expose common evangelical teachings that can backfire–the purity emphasis that can cause shame rather than good choices, the dating rules that can prime your daughter for abuse, and the one overarching belief that can keep her from setting healthy boundaries.

Instead, the authors advocate biblically grounded, freeing messages that are more about the dos and less about the don’ts. By reframing (and sometimes replacing) common evangelical messages to teen girls, this book will equip you to raise a daughter who can navigate the tumultuous teenage years while still clinging tightly to Jesus.

You can raise your daughter with the discernment to resist toxic teachings. Because she deserves better than a faith that keeps her small.

“Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna are an all-star team, confronting the harm done to our daughters in both the church and the world. The title says it all. Full stop. Our daughters deserve better! This book is full of thorough research, refreshingly commonsense biblical wisdom, and practical help on how to talk with our daughters and prepare them for confidence and maturity.”–Aimee Byrd, author of The Sexual Reformation –This text refers to the paperback edition.

Why I’m Reviewing She Deserves Better

I’m finding writing up my review to be a bit overwhelming, so I’m going to break it down into sections to help me focus my thoughts. First, let’s talk about why I decided to review this book.

I was raised in what would now probably be identified as a fundamentalist/evangelical church. To be honest, I had some good and bad experiences there. That complexity sometimes makes it hard for me to sort out my feelings about certain faith-based things. Though I am still myself a Christian, I am not part of the evangelical community. I once heard someone describe her family as Liberal Christians, and I would say that’s a label that’s closer to accurate for me.

Periodically, I dip my toes into the Christian literary market to try to find books and resources that resonate with me and are things I can confidently promote. Sometimes I regret it. But other times I find books that deeply energize me and encourage me in my faith journey.

I first heard about SHE DESERVES BETTER on one of the authors’ Twitter pages during some discourse about church scandals and the treatment of women in the church. As I read more of the posts on the author’s page, I found I agreed with several of her statements. When I noticed she was part of a team of three women who had a book for moms and daughters coming out, I decided to try to get a copy for review.

Rejecting Purity Culture But Replacing It with… What?

My home growing up didn’t adhere to some fundamentalist ideas, (my mom has always been an assertive person who expresses her views, for example) but we were part of a church community that absolutely preached the values and ideas of purity culture.

While I’ve rejected… most? all? I’m not thoroughly sure here… of those ideas, I’ve struggled to find healthier/more reasonable ways to express what I do believe about some of these issues. For example, I recently had a conversation with a family member about the way my daughter dresses. I don’t have a problem with the way she dresses, but this family member had some concerns and related those concerns in the language of purity culture. “She needs to remember there are boys in the house while she’s wearing those things,” etc.

I defended my daughter (the problem seemed to be that she’s young and curvy) and pretty plainly said that I would not make the burden of someone else’s possible thoughts her responsibility. But I struggled to explain my parental boundaries for her clothing choices. I do have them. But they’re about how she feels about herself and what she thinks about her body, not what someone else thinks. Still, I found myself wishing for a resource to help me quantify this and help me reassure my daughter. I also handle wanted better tools to handle people coming at me with purity culture complaints so I can respond in a way I find satisfying.

My Review of She Deserves Better

Lemme give you the nutshell version first. While I didn’t agree 100% with everything the authors said and how they said it, I came pretty close. I loved the premise of the book. I loved the consistent calls to do what is healthy and loving. The authors also state multiple times the importance of being in a church community that is itself healthy and supportive of young women. They go so far as to counsel families to leave churches with toxic teaching because of the potential damage it can cause. I recommend this book to anyone raised in purity culture and/or anyone raising girls in the church today.

Essentially, they studied the effects of the purity culture movement and other teachings that young women in evangelical churches are often still being taught today. A bible verse warns us to look at the outcomes of behavior using the metaphor of trees producing fruit. If a tree produces bad fruit, the tree should be cut down and tossed in the fire. So the authors break down different teachings and looks at the outcomes. For example, they look at the effects of teaching a girl that her outfit choice can cause a man to sin. Does this make her more likely to end up in an abusive marriage? Does it make her more likely to have low self-esteem? To report problems in her sexual relationship? (Yes to all these.) Things like that.

Tools to Process My Own Experiences and Teach My Daughter a Healthier Way

There were certain chapters that read like pages out of my own life. It was honestly pretty eerie. I’ve known for a long time that some things I believed in high school and shortly afterward were wrong and dangerous, but those beliefs absolutely cost me. They left me vulnerable to situations in which bad stuff happened. They left me feeling as though I didn’t have choices in things that happened, and that I didn’t have any allies to whom I could turn for support.

So. Yeah. I don’t want to pass any of that on to my daughter. We’ve done a lot of learning about consent and a lot of teaching about personal boundaries and expectations. All of the things I’ve learned about those topics lined up with what the authors were saying here in SHE DESERVES BETTER.

I loved that again and again the book comes back to asking the question, “what happens to girls who were raised with these teachings?” That’s so important. We know that some of these things are really harmful, and it’s time to stop teaching them, and to push back in spaces where they are still being taught.

Topics Explored in She Deserves Better

Here’s a list of some of the topics/teachings explored in the book:

  • How teachings regarding feelings, especially anxiety and depression, can impact a girl’s health and life.
  • How teachings on boundaries impact girls and the importance of teaching girls they can set personal boundaries and expect them to be respected.
  • How dating and dating rules impact a girl’s lifelong relationships.
  • Learning to and teaching girls to identify red flags for toxic or dangerous people.
  • How a comprehensive sex education empowers girls to be safer and happier longterm.
  • How teachings about consent impact girls (and boys).
  • How teachings about modesty or clothing choices impacts how girls see themselves and others.
  • How teachings about leadership and submission impact girls.

Each chapter gives examples from the authors’ research supporting their assertions. They also offer conversations topics and exercises that moms and daughters could work through together.

Content Notes

Recommended for Ages 16 up.

Representation
Doesn’t specify race details in any of the text or example stories. The intended audience is evangelical Christians.

Profanity/Crude Language Content
The authors use a metaphor about a candy that tasted delicious but caused explosive diarrhea to describe the harmfulness of teaching that looks or seems biblical at first but is not and causes harm.

Romance/Sexual Content
A fair amount of the book focuses on the way parents and church leaders teach girls about sex and relationships. It discusses how those teachings impact the likelihood of good or bad outcomes (happy marriages versus abusive relationships, etc).

The authors talk about the damage caused by rejecting a child or their feelings if they come to you to reveal their gender or sexual identity. Essentially the authors point out that being a part of a faith community generally lowers a child’s chance of experiencing suicidal thoughts or attempting suicide unless they are LGBTQIA+. Then, participation in a church community actually increases the likelihood they’ll have those thoughts or attempts.

Later on, the authors refer to an LGBTQIA+ identity as an “unwanted identity”. I’m not sure from the context if they’re intending to speak globally or referring to the feelings of homophobic parents.

The authors very plainly ask parents to choose to validate and love their kids no matter the feelings they have. They emphasize the importance of support from within their faith community.

Spiritual Content
The core premise of the book is to approach teachings about sex and modesty in the church and look at their effect on specifically women’s lives. Do those teachings bear good fruit, as described in Matthew 7:17-18?

Violent Content
Brief mentions of domestic violence, assault and abusive relationships.

Drug Content
Mentions of teens drinking alcohol and using drugs (as a negative behavior).

Note: This post contains affiliate links, which do not cost you anything to use, but which help support this blog. I received a free copy of SHE DESERVES BETTER in exchange for my honest review.

Review: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Book Review and Content, Historical, Young Adult/Teen 12-18, , , , , ,

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Stephen Chbosky
MTV Books
Published August 14, 2012 (Orig. 1999)

Amazon | Bookshop | Goodreads

About The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Read the cult-favorite coming-of-age story that takes a sometimes heartbreaking, often hysterical, and always honest look at high school in all its glory. Now a major motion picture starring Logan Lerman and Emma Watson, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a funny, touching, and haunting modern classic.

The critically acclaimed debut novel from Stephen Chbosky, Perks follows observant “wallflower” Charlie as he charts a course through the strange world between adolescence and adulthood. First dates, family drama, and new friends. Sex, drugs, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Devastating loss, young love, and life on the fringes. Caught between trying to live his life and trying to run from it, Charlie must learn to navigate those wild and poignant roller-coaster days known as growing up.

A years-long #1 New York Times bestseller, an American Library Association Best Book for Young Adults and Best Book for Reluctant Readers, and with millions of copies in print, this novel for teen readers (or “wallflowers” of more-advanced age) will make you laugh, cry, and perhaps feel nostalgic for those moments when you, too, tiptoed onto the dance floor of life.

My Review

I read this book (last year!) because a friend recommended it, and I’d been curious about it already. I already owned a copy, so it was an easy choice. One of the few things I knew about the book going in was that it’s been challenged or banned a LOT in schools, so I figured there would be some heavy content.

My copy of THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER has editorial reviews on the first page, so those were the first thing I read. Let me just say I have some questions for the person who reviewed this book for the LA Times. This is from the review: “Charlie is such a completely good, pure human being… In this culture where adolescence is a dirty word, I hope nothing bad happens to this kid.”

I’m not sure I read the same book that person did, because like… wow. SO MANY BAD THINGS HAPPENED TO CHARLIE!! It makes me wonder, does this person think those things weren’t so bad? Did this person accidentally skip those scenes or something? Not to spoil the story or anything, but seriously. This is not a light read. It’s a compelling, aching read. I think it lives up to the comparisons to Holden Caulfield in CATCHER IN THE RYE. But I’d never call it light.

Please do not pick up this book thinking you’ll make it to the back cover carrying the hope that nothing bad will happen to Charlie.

So… what did I love about this book? I loved the friendships between Charlie, Sam, and Patrick. I liked the way they were protective of each other and listened to each other. In the relationship between Sam and Charlie especially, I liked the way she challenged him to take action and make choices for himself. I liked that she tried not to judge him as he struggled to figure things out.

I think readers who enjoyed LOOKING FOR ALASKA by John Green or SURRENDER YOUR SONS by Adam Sass will like this book.

Content Notes for The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Content warning for suicide, rape, sexual abuse, homophobic slurs, graphic violence, alcohol and drug use. Details below.

Recommended for Ages 16 up.

Representation
One of Charlie’s best friends, Patrick, is gay.

Profanity/Crude Language Content
Extreme profanity used pretty frequently.

Romance/Sexual Content
Kissing between boy and girl. Kissing between two boys. References to sex between two boys. A couple scenes shows making out between a boy and girl without their shirts. In one scene, they touch each other sexually.

One scene shows a boy raping a girl. In another scene, a character remembers being sexually abused as a child. Other scenes reference the fact that a character was sexually abused and that it ruined her life.

There’s a reference late in the book to the sexual abuse of a child, but it’s referred to as a man “fooling around” with the child, which implies that it isn’t criminal or serious, which it is.

Spiritual Content
None.

Violent Content
A boy hits Charlie’s sister. Charlie beats up a kid at school who was bullying him. A boy’s father walks in on him having sex with another boy and begins hitting him. A boy directs a homophobic slur at another boy. He and his friends beat the boy up. Charlie joins the fight trying to even the odds against his friend.

Early in the book we learn that one of Charlie’s friends committed suicide. He gave Charlie a poem before he died which includes a graphic description of suicide at the end of it.

Drug Content
A boy begins using alcohol and drugs daily. Charlie drinks alcohol with his friends, smokes pot, and tries LSD. Sam and Patrick smoke cigarettes, too. Charlie begins smoking cigarettes.

Note: This post contains affiliate links, which do not cost you anything to use, but which help support this blog.

Review: 5-Minute Devotions for Teens by Laura L. Smith

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5-Minute Devotions for Teens: A Guide to God and Mental Health
Laura L. Smith
Zonderkidz
Published December 6, 2022

Amazon | Bookshop | Goodreads

About 5-Minute Devotions for Teens

5-Minute Devotions for Teens: A Guide to God and Mental Health removes the stigma on mental health and advises Christian teens what they can do when they are depressed and anxious. Scattered throughout the book are tips to help teens maintain good mental health practices such as meditation, disconnecting from social media and technology, saying affirmations, and much more.

Each day includes a Scripture verse, short devotional, and a prayer or prompt.

This 100-day devotional will help teens 13 to 17 years old:

deal with mental health issues, depression, and/or anxiety.
re-enter normalcy after the COVID-19 pandemic.
develop an authentic relationship with God and deepen their faith.
5-Minute Devotions for Teens is an affordable resource that can be read again and again.

My Review

Laura L. Smith’s books always seem to find me at a moment when I need the messages within them. This devotional is broken down into 100 one page sessions. Each one begins with a verse from the Bible and then a few paragraphs discuss how the verse relates to our lives. The paragraphs always encourage, offering compassion, wisdom and even humor.

The subtitle of the book says it’s about God and mental health. I feel like that can be a fraught combination for a lot of us, so I want to speak to that for a second. The way I read the book was with an intent to encourage and uplift. The author does make it clear that getting professional help and treatment for mental health needs like depression and anxiety are really good things. She also offers some basic wisdom on how to care for our bodies with good mental health in mind. Things like, going outside, tracking our thought life and focusing on gratitude. Stuff like that.

Each page closes with a journal prompt to get you thinking about what’s happening in your life and help you identify parts of your life that aren’t healthy or good for you and parts that are. I like the simplicity and straightforwardness of the writing and how overall positive it is.

Gift Ideas

I think 5-MINUTE DEVOTIONS FOR TEENS would make a great gift — or even a stocking stuffer! It’s pretty small– for a teen who’s interested in deepening their Christian faith. I think the book perfectly lives up to its name. The devotions took only a moment to read and always led me on some interesting thought journeys.

If you’re looking for something a little meatier and more in-depth but like the sound of this, check out RESTORE MY SOUL by Laura L. Smith, which explores 30 Psalms, or HOW SWEET THE SOUND, which explores 30 beloved hymns. I really liked both of those, too.

Content Notes

Recommended for Ages 12 up.

Representation
None.

Profanity/Crude Language Content
None.

Romance/Sexual Content
None.

Spiritual Content
Contains verses from the Bible with prayer and journaling prompts to help readers explore and deepen Christian faith.

Violent Content
None.

Drug Content
None.

Note: This post contains affiliate links, which do not cost you anything to use, but which help support this blog. I received a free copy of 5-MINUTE DEVOTIONS FOR TEENS in exchange for my honest review.

Review: Xavier in the Meantime by Kate Gordon

Book Review and Content, Contemporary, Middle Grade 8-12, , , , , , ,

Xavier in the Meantime
Kate Gordon
Riveted Press
Published February 1, 2022

 Book Depository | Goodreads

About Xavier in the Meantime

Sometimes Xavier wakes up feeling hopeless.

Every new doctor … this will fix it.

Removing him from school … this will fix it.

The therapy group … this will fix it.

And his dad moving out. Maybe, this will fix it. Despite his positive affirmations, the black dog never really leaves him. It watches from the corner of his room, never straying too far away—waiting for the perfect opportunity to sink its teeth in.

But Xavier has a plan—one he hopes will help all the kids in his support group. Enlisting the help of best friend Aster, he tries to convince his dad to turn the family sheep farm into a therapy retreat for the group session kids. But he is up against decades of tradition, his parents who are on a “break,” and the spectre of the black dog.

Can Xavier learn to cherish the moments in between the struggles—the moments in the meantime?

My Review

XAVIER IN THE MEANTIME is a companion novel to ASTER’S GOOD RIGHT THINGS, which I read and loved last year. Xavier is the boy with a pet bunny Aster meets in the other book. As soon as I saw that this book was about him (and incudes Aster as a side character!), I knew I needed to read it.

Xavier is such a cool kid. He has his own wild sense of style– I loved the descriptions of his outfits. He’s a bit of a loner. Homeschooled. Aster is his only friend. And everywhere he goes, the black dog follows him. It’s not a literal real dog. But he sees it in his mind, and it gives shape and presence to his depression. I thought the way the black dog is described and used as a metaphor for his depression was really powerful and original. It reminded me a little bit of the captain in CHALLENGER DEEP by Neal Shusterman.

When Xavier meets Aster in the other book, he and Aster learn about how doing small kindnesses for others can make them feel good inside. Xavier decides that small kindnesses won’t be enough to make him feel good, but he gets an idea for a big kindness, something that could help him and the other kids in his therapy group. It was really cool watching how the people around Xavier responded to the idea of the retreat and the way it impacted his connections with other kids.

This isn’t a story where he finds a magical cure for depression. The story mentions more than once that many people have chronic depression that doesn’t just go away forever. While it’s a really hopeful story, it doesn’t pretend that Xavier has found a magical cure. Rather that finding a supportive community that will be with him when the dark days come and the black dog returns is the true goal for him. I liked that, and I liked that the story explored what a supportive community can look like and how it develops.

Content Notes for Xavier in the Meantime

Recommended for Ages 10 to 14.

Representation
Xavier has depression. Aster has anxiety. Xavier’s mom has Crohn’s disease.

Profanity/Crude Language Content
None.

Romance/Sexual Content
None.

Spiritual Content
None.

Violent Content
A boy comes to therapy group with a black eye after having been beat up at school.

Drug Content
None.

Note: This post contains affiliate links, which do not cost you anything to use, but which help support this blog. I received a free copy of Xavier in the Meantime in exchange for my honest review.

Review: Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

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Daring Greatly
Brené Brown
Avery
Published September 11, 2012

Amazon | Bookshop | Goodreads

About Daring Greatly

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” —Theodore Roosevelt

Every day we experience the uncertainty, risks, and emotional exposure that define what it means to be vulnerable, or to dare greatly. Whether the arena is a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation, we must find the courage to walk into vulnerability and engage with our whole hearts.

In DARING GREATLY, Dr. Brown challenges everything we think we know about vulnerability. Based on twelve years of research, she argues that vulnerability is not weakness, but rather our clearest path to courage, engagement, and meaningful connection. The book that Dr. Brown’s many fans have been waiting for, DARING GREATLY will spark a new spirit of truth—and trust—in our organizations, families, schools, and communities.

Researcher and thought leader Dr. Brené Brown offers a powerful new vision that encourages us to dare greatly: to embrace vulnerability and imperfection, to live wholeheartedly, and to courageously engage in our lives.

My Review

I have this book as an audiobook and I’ve listened to it multiple times. Every single time, I feel like I rediscover gems or somehow notice new information that I’d overlooked before. Or things make sense in a fresh way because of whatever’s happening in my life at the moment I read a particular topic or chapter.

It’s a challenging read, I won’t lie. Like, it really makes me think about the ways I handle my own emotional discomfort and gives an opportunity to make some changes. There are a lot of personal stories, which both soften the blow that comes from feeling so exposed emotionally. It makes you feel like Brown is right there in the vulnerability trenches with you.

One of the biggest changes that’s come from reading this book is in the way my husband and I relate to each other. I realized that when I feel vulnerable, I tend to counterattack. I will pick a fight with him or escalate a fight we’re already having. Now, instead, I try to create a little space in my head. I recognize that I’m feeling scared or hurt or whatever it is and try to process that rather than running from it into feeling angry.

I’m definitely a work in progress. Haha. But I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of really good stuff from this book. I wish there was a version specifically for teens addressing some issues specific to that time of life. I think teens can still read and benefit from the book, so I recommend it anyway.

If you haven’t seen Brené Brown’s TED Talk, that’s a great place to start in order to get more of a feel for what DARING GREATLY is about. Her talk is kind of a dip-your-toes-in look at what she covers in much greater depth in the book. If you watch that and are curious or intrigued, definitely pick up DARING GREATLY.

Content Notes

Recommended for Ages 14 up.

Representation
Relates stories and data based on a broad range of research.

Profanity/Crude Language Content
Strong profanity used infrequently.

Romance/Sexual Content
Some brief mentions of sex from the perspective of the way that asking for sex or participating in it means experiencing vulnerability.

Spiritual Content
Mentions going to church.

Violent Content
Vague mentions of abuse situations.

Drug Content
Mentions of drinking alcohol and smoking as a poor coping strategy for vulnerability. She also discusses the connection between shame and addiction.

Note: This post contains affiliate links, which do not cost you anything to use, but which help support this blog.

Review: Aster’s Good, Right Things by Kate Gordon

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Aster’s Good, Right Things
Kate Gordon
Riveted Press
Published November 1, 2020

Book Depository | Goodreads

About Aster’s Good, Right Things

“I can’t let go of them – the good, right things—because if I do I’ll turn into a cloud and I’ll float away, and a storm will come and blow me to nothing.”

Eleven-year-old Aster attends a school for gifted kids, but she doesn’t think she’s special at all. If she was, her mother wouldn’t have left. Each day Aster must do a good, right thing—a challenge she sets herself, to make someone else’s life better. Nobody can know about her ‘things’, because then they won’t count. And if she doesn’t do them, she’s sure everything will go wrong. Then she meets Xavier. He has his own kind of special missions to make life better. When they do these missions together, Aster feels free, but if she stops doing her good, right things will everything fall apart?

My Review

The writing in this book is so, so amazing. Like, I felt like it just blew me away in some moments. It’s the perfect blend of poetic and frank and achingly good.

This is one of those stories that breaks your heart and fills you with hope. The fallout of Aster’s relationship with her mom– the hurtful words that cut Aster so deeply– was heartbreaking. Watching Aster navigate her hurt and learn how to reach out in spite of it, and because of it, was such a powerful thing to read, though. I loved the way she developed a community of friends around her. It was like watching a flower come into bloom.

I loved Aster’s relationship with the rabbit and its owner, Xavier. I loved the way she showed kindness to Indigo even when she didn’t deserve it, because she could see beneath her prickly, angry exterior.

It’s possible that this is one of those books that wraps things up a bit too neatly for some people to believe, but I felt like the ending was perfect for me at this moment. I needed hope. I need to believe that sometimes, even against the odds, things just come out right.

I totally recommend this book. I think readers who enjoyed CATERPILLAR SUMMER by Gillian McDunn or HURRICANE SEASON by Nicole Melleby will love this story.

Content Notes

Recommended for Ages 8 to 12.

Representation
Major characters are white. Aster’s mother might be bipolar? It’s not diagnosed, but she appears to have depressive and manic periods. Aster and her friend have symptoms of depression. Aster’s aunt is a lesbian.

Profanity/Crude Language Content
None.

Romance/Sexual Content
None.

Spiritual Content
None.

Violent Content
Aster’s mom says some really hurtful things to her.

Drug Content
None.

Note: I received a free copy of ASTER’S GOOD, RIGHT THINGS in exchange for my honest review. This post contains affiliate links, which do not cost you anything to use, but which help support the costs of running this blog.